Not so fast 2014, I've got some stuff to say.

Dear 2014,
You were not horrible. And I truly appreciate that.

We did some amazing things this year. And if I were to just lay out all of the photos here, you would probably be like, "Cry me a freakin' river, Melissa!" And in so many ways, that would be true. We are so blessed to have had the opportunities for these experiences! But that isn't the whole story is it?

For one thing, we fought like hell to get away and do each and every one of these things. The days that are represented in these photographs and events are the ONLY days that JBA had off in 2014. And I don't mean in addition to weekends or in addition to regular days off......I mean the. ONLY. Days. It takes a lot of flexibility to pull this stuff off at the drop of a hat but if nothing else, our family has definitely learned to be flexible! We have learned to just drop everything and go whenever the opportunity arises.

 There are other things that are not represented in these photographs. There are the moments of toughness that go along with being married to someone who has done the job that JBA has done. Moments that would have never been part of our family's tapestry without the war. Without combat. But something different happened this year. We began to learn to roll with those moments. To not kick against them quite so hard. To accept them as just a part of the whole package that is our family. Not perfect. Just....US....as we are now, and armed with the knowledge that God has a plan for it all.

 Also unseen in my pictures, is the absolute fear and trepidation that JBA and I feel as parents as we watched our children begin to jump out on their own in 2014. We could not be more proud of them or more confident in their abilities. But as we listen to their plans and hear all about what their next move is going to be, we fight falling back into that oh-so- familiar protective role that we have had for so many years, as their parents. Savannah was on her own in the South African bush again this year, and the stories that she brought back are completely hair-raising! Jackson caught rattlesnakes out in Colorado with his bare hands this year! And Austin spent two weeks camping, without us, up on the Continental Divide trail.  To be truly accurate, there would be photos of JBA and I sitting on our hands, keeping our mouths shut, but showing an airline ticket for ourselves on stand-by.

 I also wish that I had pictures of all of the incredible people that we have met and spent time with this year. There were friends who have dropped back into our lives after years and years apart and people whom I had never met before, who became fast friends. I wish that I could put up pictures of the heroes who have sat at our table and laughed with us. I wish I could spill out their amazing stories of ordinary humans doing amazing things.

Friends and family were also lost in 2014, and I hope that the way we live our lives pays some respect to their memory and eases in some way, the pain of those that they left behind.

So, 2014, while you dealt us some difficult moments, you also doled out some pretty amazing ones as well. And as I look at our pictures, I am overwhelmed with thankfulness to be a part of this particular journey, with these particular people.

A few firsts this year: First time ever, snowshoeing. First time ice climbing. JBA and I traversed across two glaciers this year, in Switzerland, for the first time ever. We spent a night in a Swiss alpine hut. Jackson caught his first rattle snake this year. Savannah became the first girl in her MMA school to ever earn a black belt. Austin did his first work for Samaritans Purse and got his Wilderness First Responder medical certification.  As a family, we hiked further, climbed higher and camped longer than we ever have,

Here are a few pictures from 2014. It has truly been a great year and I am super happy to have been part of it all!

So..... This is 45.

Today I turned 45.
To me, 45 has always been legit, "you're-getting-old" territory. Here I am staring squarely into it's face. I am not sure what I thought it would feel like, but I must admit, it actually feels pretty good. In fact, I was given the day off by the three gentlemen who currently reside in this house with me, so I thought that I would use the time dust off this old blog and write about it.

I like it here. On this blog.
So much of my life has been recorded here. It feels like home again, writing about what I want the way that I want. I have a few writing gigs and when I write there, I have to bend my writing to someone elses standards......or even worse....put my thoughts in bulleted points because "people don't have the time to read all of that" . 
No.This feels good.

So, on this momentous day of my 45th birthday, lets take a good, hard  (read: light-hearted and embellished), look at where I'm at these days.

I am living in a beautiful home in Colorado with JBA (formerly Race, on this blog....gonna have to fix that), Austin and Jackson. Savannah flits back and forth between here and our house in VA. We love it here and I am incredibly thankful that I was dragged out here kicking and screaming. This has been and continues to be, an amazing blessing for our family.
I started a business! Yep. I became a personal trainer and started an online training business. Train With Melissa . Which I quickly realized, I hated and needed to change. SO.INCREDIBLY.ME. My life is marked by things like this. So much so, that when I read Jane Austens "Emma", I was appalled at how a few of those quotes stung in their description of my own inability to apply myself long enough to any one pursuit to become proficient at it! It's true.

As Mr. Knightly observed in "Emma":
"But I have done with expecting any course of steady reading (insert any serious undertaking here) from Emma. She will never submit to any thing requiring industry and patience, and a subjection of the fancy to the understanding."
Ouch. And there was more:
"Emma wished to go to work directly, and therefore produced the portfolio containing her various attempts at portraits, for not one of them had ever been finished...........She had always wanted to do everything, and had made more progress both in drawing and music than many might have done with so little labour as she would ever submit to.”

So, yeah. Thats pretty accurate, damn you Jane Austen. But this is how I learn. I pursue it passionately until I figure out what I don't like, and then I chisel it out and change it to fit what I want. And thats where my business is. The chiseling stage. I love to help people get healthy. I LOVE to encourage people in something that I truly believe will improve their happiness level and their quality of life. But being so closely tethered to so many people proved to be an unhappy (and probably unhealthy) place for this under-cover introvert. So. Not sure what is next for Train With Melissa, but here's to figuring THAT piece out, I guess. :-) (Not quite your hard-charging-feminist-business-type, I suppose, but it works for me.)
 I am about to break through the ribbon at the end off the homeschooling adventure race, with Jackson recently starting at the community college here. It is a very strange feeling. And while we definitely did not finish in first place, I'd like to think that we absolutely KILLED IT on the obstacles and we finished proudly. :-)
  What else? Still working out with weights 3-4 days a week, still eating whole foods, (except today. Today I'm eating pancakes and donuts.....it's my birthday), Still drinking wine, still doing hand stands and head stands and cartwheels and various other yogafied things every week. Still hiking a lot. Still not running very often. I like how I feel physically and what I am able to do. No aches and pains, no real issues. No complaints. (But don't even get me STARTED on my 45 year old skin at this point.....whole 'nother post, my friends.) 
 We are quickly approaching our vacation time and I am over-the-moon excited to be thinking about that! JBA and I are on the downhill side of a very difficult time in our lives and the lives of our family members. All through no fault of our own. I talked briefly about it here, if you'd like to read about it. And I hope, in time to discuss it all in great detail as we move farther away from it. There are many families dealing with the effects of unrelenting deployments during war and I hope to be able to lay our own struggle out there to offer hope and courage to someone else. I am thankful for those family and close friends who just listened to me over the years, even though they couldn't fully understand the situation, not having experienced it. That meant a lot. 
I am happy to say that we are once again becoming the happy, cohesive, driven, family-force that we had once been and that feels like the best prize in the whole world.
  So, sitting here at 45, I feel good. I like where I am in life, I like where I've been and I am excited to see whats next.  I am amazed at the path that God has carried me through. Seriously amazed. One thing has become crystal clear for me: He.Is.Faithful. To feel His precious grace and mercy fall freshly, on my life in such a personal way and on the lives of those that I love, is beyond words. I am 45 and I am blessed.

Cheers!
Melissa
PS~ Thank you to my Colorado photographer Wild Jinger Photography for the candid shots! Check her out on FB here or her brand new web site Wild Jinger Photography By Bronwyn Nicholoson.

Non Emergency Conundrum

I am sitting in this lovely coffee shop/toy store/book store, and waiting for Jackson to finish up at Boy Scouts, so I thought that I would share my current non-emergency conundrum with you.

(I always like to keep a non-emergency problem in the recesses of my brain, so that when the REAL difficulties become more than I care to think about, I can switch off to my Non-ER problem, and still feel like I am solving something. Yes, it's scary in there. In my brain.)

It all started with Pinterest.  I needed a break from the drudgery of paying bills and began to indulge in the glorious wonder that *IS* Pinterest, all the while keeping my "bill-paying face" on, so that the teens would suspect nothing. Nothing going on here, move along, just mom doing boring work stuff. Thats when I saw this:

            And I blew my bill paying cover, by letting out an excited little scream, which NEVER coincides with bill paying...... Never.   I needed this. And I needed it badly.                                          

I can think of so many occasions to wear this outfit. This is me. I LOVE this so much. I already own the jeans, the shirt and the sweater. I have a cool bag that would work, and I think there are many different shoe choices that would work here,  but I need the coat. I needed THAT coat. I was already dying for a leopard coat, so win-win. I had actually purchased one online awhile back, but when I got it, it was hideous( like....Oh-my-gosh-get-that-off-before-someone-sees-you-hideous. I sent it back.

So. Easy, right? Get that long, leopard coat and TA-DA! New outfit!

Well first of all, someone did not use correct Pinterest etiquette and link to the original web site where this lovely little drop of heaven came from. (Probably because they were so excited about the coat, I imagine.)

 So I began the search.....(see above, for explanation on non-emergency problems in my world). I could not find this coat ANYWHERE. I looked at so many others, but they were either too bulky, too fluffy, too short, or just ridiculously cheap-looking. I couldn't believe it. Here was the coat of my dreams (for now) and I couldn't find it ANYWHERE. WHAT?  WHAT??  Where am I, some third world country? This is America people. A once-capitalist utopia. I want to BUY something and I can't get it? It is UNAVAILABLE? WHAT?

Obviously, I was challenged. (Take that to mean whatever you want.)


So the search continued. And because I have an amazing memory for faces, or more likely, because I am weird and tend to obsess about things that don't matter, I recognized the models face in another picture on Pinterest. Yes, thats right. I recognized the GIRL in the picture, in a completely different outfit. It was this picture:

                                                              (Which I also LOVE)

And finally, the genius behind these outfits was revealed. The picture was linked back to the blog  Atlantic-Pacific. The lovely, Bee. A fashion merchandiser from San Fran who is going around with the wardrobe that I so desperately want.

So. Problem solved. Get the coat, right? Wrong. As it turns out the coat is by Malene Birger at $626.50. Welllllllll, that is just a teeeensy bit out of reach for a girl who got rid of her long distance to save a few bucks, ya know what I'm sayin'?

(Which incidentally, ditching my ability to reach out and touch someone was SO STUPID. I am quite sure that had that been allowed to continue, the therapy bills alone would have far outweighed any of the mere pennies saved on the phone bill. I just had it turned back on and balance is about to be restored.)


As I stated earlier, I searched for a cheaper version, to no avail.  so this brings us to my conundrum: Do you suppose that this same look could be achieved with, say, a stand-out colored, knee length broadcloth coat? Maybe something like this one from J Crew?

Or perhaps in a bright fiery orange?  And did I mention that coats are on sale right now? Like....everywhere?

So, what do you think?

 I feel that, although I truly BELONG in the Malene Birger, I could make do with something else for the sake of the outfit. But what do you think? Is it the leopard print that MAKES it or the chic mix of slightly tattered and polished? If you like to drool over this sort of creativity and style, I highly recommend taking a gander at Bee's blog where she pulls together outfits in all price ranges and styles. I dig it.

Cheers!
melissa

New Diggs

It has been quite a weekend........and it overflowed into quite a Monday. Let me start by sharing a little parenting tip for any of you who have teens leaving the nest:

If your kids' roommate doesn't keep his clothes in his closet........and has bright lights coming from his clothing closet.... and fans that run round the clock IN that closet.......and changed the locks on the door of the house.......it might be a good idea to re-think the living situation. 

None of us(including Austin) knew any of the other roommates when we started the semester, and the coach placed them all together and assured us what "good kids" they all were. 

There are leases and utility companies to contend with, and it most assuredly will cost you money. And it did. But I am happy to say we drove down today and helped Austin pile up all of his belongings and bring them (and him) home. Tomorrow, we will be able to take care of the paperwork to move him into a nice, new 1 bedroom, still close to school and baseball practice,  but without the illegal activities and without the kind of parties where the kids get so smashed that they begin throwing their own things off of the balcony of the house. Things like their TV's, chairs, etc. They have since, all flunked out of school.

The only good part of all of this, is the way Austin has handled the whole situation. Drama free, but responsibly.

And so life moves on and lessons are learned.

Race and I also  checked out some new diggs for ourselves this weekend. This is far from serious at this point, but we felt like it had a lot of potential, so we are looking further!  What do you think? Amazing, right? It has already gone to foreclosure, and we are looking at it to run an events space business and residence.

I can't even begin to share with you how much I love this old home. And if things begin to align themselves correctly and if it looks like this might actually happen, I will share all of the exciting details with you. But for now, it is nothing more than a blossoming idea. 

Breathing easier tonight, 

Cheers!

melissa

Fashion Friday!

Love, love, LOVE Fashion fridays!!! (Excellent idea Laney)

As you probably know, I am a huge fan of the tall boot. I am so excited the that their return seems to be for good. (I know, I know, nothing in fashion is EVER "for good", but I can't bear to even entertain the thought of myself going back into a world without tall boots in it. )

But THIS year, I have been particularly excited about knee socks being paired with boots. If you live in a climate that gets an actual winter, this trend is not only adorably casual, but also completely functional and utilitarian. Translation: warm. :-)

And who doesn't love the knee sock??? I was a knee sock wearin' fool as a child, and then later secretly wore them under my Jordache jeans because they just felt so darned good and snuggly. The frequent tug of a slightly askew knee sock is ingrained onto some well worn mental pathway in my brain that conjures up fun, kid memories.

Well, just who do I think I am, anyway? A tad youthful for me, you say? Can only be worn by twig-legged college girls, you say?
Nonsense.  I am here to gently nudge you into thinking that this trend is acceptable for 40-something moms!! Bear with me, whilest I elaborate with pictures.

Lets look at these awesome boots! They are dressy enough to say "I care" when running to the grocery store and yet, utilitarian enough to keep your feet warm. All the while, still being able to stoop countless times to pick up all the stuff that the baby throws out of the basket, and never once worry about losing your shoe because one of the kids stepped on the back of it, or ran over it with the shopping cart.
 This picture shows both the over-the-knee style, and the scrunched. I prefer the scrunched style. It looks more classic and while there may be the occasional 40 yr old who could pull off the over-the knee thing, I haven't ever seen her. And I am not one of them. (But if I were 20........oh yes.)

 Here is another example. So casual, so comfortable and yet so put together! Now, who wouldn't want to wear this? You could ditch the scarf , (for those who have too many children to handle such a cumbersome and unpredictable accessory )and still, this look is awesome.

Still unconvinced? Well......what about RAIN. What are you gonna do, just slosh through the day with wet feet? And even worse, wet SOCKS? (nails on chalkboard) Of course not. You get yourself a pair of solid colored rain boots (which now even Target sells) and you wear them with your comfy knee socks on rainy days. I am only thinking of you here. And if you were paying attention to one of my Fashion Fridays back in the spring, you may have already snagged a trench coat! You're all set.
And as an added bonus, if you have boys, they won't be able to cripple you when they step all over your feet. (Why do they DO that?)

Look it! Cute! Cute!  Running after errant toddlers? No prob. And lookin' good doing it. :-)

The one MUST with all of these looks, is that you need to be wearing slim jeans. At the very least, slim at the knee area so that there is no "spillage" out of the top of the boot. "Spillage" is bad. In fact, I cant think of one instance where spillage is good. No...spillage....bad. Keep it sleek.

These boots below are my own personal favs. Race bought these for me 4 years ago, and I wear them ALL winter EVERY winter. They have a felted wool lining in the foot and are fleece lined in the leg. Warmest, most comfortable things I have EVER owned. The more I wear them, the better they look. Look at the tread on those babies.  And this year, when the temps dropped down in the teens I added knee socks and my feet were oh-so toasty and cute!

So......are you convinced? Go forth, dear readers with dry, warm feet. And when they ask you how you manage to look so put together and stylish with "ALL THOSE KIDS"......tell 'em you read it here. ;-)

Cheers!
melissa

What it's like to be me...

So, would you like to feel a little better about yourself today? Allow me....

Yesterday after having a grueling (almost 2 hours!) physical therapy session, I arrived back home to shower, catch up on a few loads of laundry, etc before I would be excitedly heading out to my long awaited Hair Appointment.
I sat down at my computer and checked Facebook. I felt utterly compelled (as I always do) to shout to the world the 2 positive things that were going on for me that day. 1. I had done 1 legged Romanian Dead Lifts (RLDs) for the first time on my surgical leg AND 2. it was Hair Day.

One of my cousins innocently asked, "Whats an RDL?"

I was in a hurry to get to my appointment, so I rapidly posted a video showing a cute girl performing one legged RDL's, linked it to my cousins name, and then replied, "It was easier to post a video than to try to explain it."

No big deal right?

You would think that wouldn't you?

Yeah. Well, it wouldn't be, except for one teensy little thing.

I forgot,.......... my cousin is BLIND!!

That is correct. I sent a video to a blind person, and actually used the words, "It was easier for me to post a video......yada, yada".

OH.MY.GOSH!! Who DOES this?????

 His response? "Well, it would be nice if one could SEE the video".
Immediately I died a thousand deaths, tried to fix my unbelievably embarrassing blunder, without making things worse, and then closed my computer and shoved it violently away from me.

The side splitting laughter of my children, as I left the house, did not help the sting of my humiliation. "Wait......you did WHAT?" "SOoooo....you sent a video to a BLIND person......nice, mom. BAhahahaha!"

Luckily, I have an awesome cousin who makes allowances for the fact that sometimes I am an idiot.

Yessirreee, folks. You don't want to walk in these shoes. While the shoes ARE admittedly very nice, the rest of the package can be difficult to deal with.

I skip around thinking that I am spreading my arms and sprinkling encouragement as I dance my way gracefully through this life, when in reality, there are days when I am just whirling about uncontrollably, and bludgeoning poor unsuspecting victims with my flailing limbs as I pass their way.

Ah well, a new day and all that. Oh- and my hair looks awesome.

Cheers!
Melissa

Haulin' Beef

My parents still live on the same farm that my sisters and I grew up on. It was a slice of heaven then and it is a slice of heaven now. I consider myself one of the luckiest girls on the planet to have been brought up on a farm. There is something about having such a close connection with one's food that drives a deeper understanding of new life and death at an early age. It brings a natural respect for life that seems to be absent in much of our culture today. I LOVED growing up there and I LOVE each time we return for a visit.
My dad (at 77) still raises cattle, and each year he sets aside a few cows to be all grass fed with absolutely no chemicals whatsoever, for our families. He does it all. Raises them, feeds them, and hauls them to the butcher. Then we each get to decide how we would like the beef cut and then we go and pick it up from the butcher! Now, how is that for amazingly generous parents?( Forget about it. They're mine. )
Today was the day we picked up our meat from the butcher! Oh Happy day!
Savannah, Jackson and I drove the 3 hours to the butcher. This place is, of course, smack dab in the middle of a farm, so there was all sorts of activity going on as we arrived. We went inside and the clerk was super nice and handed me my cut sheet with all of the butcher mumbo jumbo on it.  435 pounds! WOW!
The kids and I drove around to the back of the farm buildings that contain this processing facility, and waited. After a short time, a gal came out pushing our racks of beef, cut, frozen, wrapped and labeled.

From there it was up to me and the kids.

Did I mention that the high was SUPPOSED to be 30 today? Yeah. It never got there. And there was wind. BIG wind.
Did I mention that the meat was frozen? Yeah. It was frozen.

And by the time we were done hauling the beef from the racks into their perspective coolers that we had prepared, we were frozen too. But we made record time. The gal who pushed the racks out was covered from head to toe to protect herself from the cold. SO much so, that it took me awhile to determine if it WAS a girl. But hey, I get it. And she stood there staring at us while we worked. I prefer to think that she was in awe by the speed at which we moved that beef. I'm sure that was it. Before we left, she made the remark that it was actually warmer inside than it was outside today. She was referring to inside the freezer.

So, home we went. Haulin' the beef. When I got home, the kids hauled it all inside to the basement where we have an extra freezer in a closet- that -is- not -filled- with- junk. I used my overabundance of storage containers (note that they are shoe-size....another story for a different day), to organize the beef inside the freezer. Ground beef, filets, roasts, N.Y.Strips, etc, etc.  And here is the finished product:

Let me tell you, you couldn't fit a piece of paper into that freezer right now if you had to.  But I love looking at it. :-)

A few weeks ago, when my family was all together, we actually got to try this years steaks. Glenway grilled them for us and they were FABULOUS. So delicious, so tender. We are so spoiled now!
While we were eating, I noticed a particular gleam of delight in my mothers eye as she was savoring her steak. At first I thought, "Awww....thats nice. Look at mom. So delighted by the bounty from the farm, once again." And then I remembered something. That gleam in her eye was not necessarily brought on only from the delight of the succulent provisions that they were providing for us, once again. That gleam had the slight spark of satisfactory revenge. You see, these particular cows had broken into my moms garden. My parents' garden is always amazing. They produce enough food for a small army, and they love it. No, I mean they LOVE.IT.
These cows broke into the garden, and what they didn't eat, they trampled into the mud, leaving it completely devastated. My mother rarely EVER gets angry and she is Snow White-like, in that she is friend to ALL animals large and small. But when she came up from the barn that day, she trembled. She marched straight into the office, went into the file cabinet, pulled out the file for the butcher and handed it to my dad. Yeah....they were pretty much history after that. Cows have never been known for their intelligence. And mom thought that this steak was even better than last years.
Cheers!
Melissa

ACL surgery update

I should probably give an update on my knee injury. All the poor people who land here on this blog, looking for information about acl injuries have been left, till now, to wonder how it all turned out for me. I know when I was first injured, I spent hours and hours trying to get all of the information that I could about my injury(what else are you going to do, right?).  So, here goes!

My injury was a torn acl, mcl and lcl. It happened on January 27, 2011. The mcl and lcl WILL HEAL on their own. SO, there were crutches first for a few weeks, and then a full leg brace, all the while going to physical therapy 2-3 times a week for about 3 months. I will not lie, this.was.hard. The progress is measured in tiny, tiny increments. I was incredibly scared of falling. When your leg has completely given way underneath you, that is a terrifying thing to overcome, and that took awhile. In physical therapy you are doing ridiculously simple exercises while you are healing and stretching.......healing and stretching. And it hurts.

After 3 months I was released from physical therapy. My extension was back completely(even my hyper-extension was back a bit) and my flexion was ALMOST like my other leg. I could walk normally, go up and down steps, etc, etc. Of course I still had no acl. I am 42 and while I am very active, the activities that I love don't require a lot of cutting and pivoting, and the knee felt stable so I wasn't sure that I really needed the acl surgery. I decided to give it all I had and see how the knee held up.

By the summer (4-5 months post injury) I went for a 2 mile run. And every.single.step. hurt that knee. That was my last run. I lunged with weights, squatted, did step-ups on a 24"box, etc etc all summer long. I would ice my knee afterward. Leg extensions hurt, and I couldn't run or jump without pain. But I still wasn't experiencing any instability, which I thought was odd. I was pretty bummed about it, but at least I KNEW I didn't want to live like THAT the rest of my life. And while all the weight training didn't HELP my knee, (although I don't know if it actually HURT it either) it DID build the muscles back in my leg. And THAT proved to be a great move on my part.

SO. I scheduled my surgery for the end of October, 2011. 9 months after the initial injury. At that time, the mcl and lcl felt great again, and the only nagging pains I had were in the middle of my knee, when I would work it out. I still didn't have totally complete flexion in that leg.
I had the hamstring graft. (where they take a bit of your hamstring and make a new acl out of it and put it into your knee. weird, right? ).
Turns out my old acl had scarred over onto itself and that was why it felt stable......and also why I was still feeling pain.
The surgery was a breeze. You go to sleep, you wake up, your leg is all majorly bandages and padded up. I followed protocol to the letter by using a cryo-cuff for the first several weeks. I left it on all the time, I took the pain meds for maybe a week and then only at night for the next week. I was able to put weight on my leg the day I came home. Was off of the crutches completely by day 3 and Physical therapy was going on 2 times a week.

I cannot express how much easier it was to go through the surgery and recover than it was to go through the initial injury and recovery. The pain was absolutely MINIMAL by comparison.

My progress was much faster than the other patients in PT and Physio attributed it to the fact that I waited to have the surgery and built my leg up. Also, the mental part cannot be underestimated. I had completely gotten over the fear of walking on my leg, whereas the patients who had surgery immediately following their injury where getting a double-whammy and they were still terrified to walk, let alone push their recovery.

At this point, I am about 9 weeks out from my surgery, and I feel great. My flexion further that pre-surgery and will definitely be back to 100%. The extension has been at 100% since about week 2. I am doing weight work again. No pain. I should be able to start jogging again this week. Still have to be careful because the acl gets weaker before it gets stronger and mine is just turning the corner. But it FEELS great.
There is really no pain, only what I would characterize as stiffness. It comes and goes, but it seems like the weather affects it more than anything at this point!

My main concentration is weight work to build all the leg muscles back again. And a lot of stability type exercises to keep myself from using other muscles to compensate. There is every reason to believe that I will be back to 100% by the spring. And I couldn't be happier about the results so far.

So, thats my acl story. If you are reading this because you have this injury, you have my complete sympathy. And welcome to the ever growing club! I hope that my story can help you with your own decisions. Feel free to ask questions if you have any. I can only tell you from my own experience, but I would be happy to.

If you are faced with this surgery, follow the protocol. Find a GOOD Physical Therapist. I asked for the one in our area who works with all the college athletes. This has made a big difference in my recovery as well. And then just do the exercises and follow directions! It is true that it is a long haul. But it isn't that bad, and in the end you should be pretty much as good as new! I have every intention of hiking in the alps this fall!

Cheers!
Melissa

Welcome, 2012, I am happy to see you.

Forgive the seriousness of this post. This certainly isn't my regular blogging style, but I DO write about our life, and we just came through our most difficult chapter to date. And once in awhile there are events that are too deep even for ME to make light of. :-)

2011 tried to kill us.

At least thats what it felt like.

It turns out that the skiing injury at the beginning of the year was only the start of the obstacles to be hurled at our family in 2011. I cried a LOT this year. Like.....I am not a crier. And I probably cried more this year than I ever have in my whole life! There were physical challenges, mental challenges and huge challenges of the heart to be overcome. There were times when just the sheer will "to hold on" was the only tiny shred that I could cling to, and I just "held on" to that.

We all did.

We didn't really do it "together". It wasn't pretty. It didn't really seem like a team effort, but amazingly, we all knew enough to just hold on.

And God held us.

I am not able to be as transparent as I sometimes would like, here and I hope that this doesn't come off as too cryptic. But the end is all the same, even without the sometimes unnerving details.

Before I begin, I should mention that these events had nothing to do with anyone else but our own family. No outsiders, no deceit or cheating or anything of the sort was involved here. Those sorts of fiery darts, we have always felt well prepared against. Our difficulties lie amongst the perils of war.

The proverbial rug was yanked unsuspectingly from beneath my feet this year. I came crashing down and I hit hard. All the things that I had based my life's existence on, were shaken. I felt like I had been broken inside, irreparably. All the rules had been cruelly changed without warning and the new ones were indiscernable until one was broken. Nothing was the same and I had no assurance that it would EVER BE the same. And worst of all, there was no one to blame! What to do with something like this? My mind struggled to make sense of it all.

My God held me.

He let me cry it out. He let me ask the hard questions and twist and turn endlessly when I was unable to make any sense of it all. When I couldn't find the answers to know what "to do" next. He showed me that sometimes the only thing "to do" is just, "to be". To just trust His promises, His goodness, and just "be". This has always felt like an unnatural response for me, and it didn't come any easier this time around.

In time, and with much searching, and praying, and seeking. I came to accept that sad things happen in this fallen world. And that what happened in my family was a very natural response to a very unnatural situation. But it was ugly. And it was out in the open. No one wanted it, no one asked for it, and it was no ones fault. But there it was and we had to put our heads down and DEAL the best we could. And we have. And we are.

I am happy to say that we are all still standing. That 2011 DIDN'T kill us. That we all love one another and we are moving forward. Not in drudgery with our heads down anymore, but with renewed spirits ready to take life on again as a team. All very much aware that although we are beginning to feel strong again, we have just crossed through a dark valley that many, many families never make it back out of. And so, for THAT we are very, very thankful.

Welcome 2012! And Happy New Year!

"

"Be convinced that to be happy means to be free and that to be free means to be brave. Therefore do not take lightly the perils of war." - Thucydides Cheers! melissa

4 weeks post injury

It has been 4 weeks since my injury. I have been in physical therapy for 2 weeks. Ryan is my super-nice physical therapist who makes me do painful exercises and doesn't mind all my questions. The exercises are so embarassingly simple....but so painful. The leg just doesn't want to bend. And the pain is now directly over the torn MCL when stressed. The only other pain is from the swelling, which is frustrating. It is an ongoing battle, and ice is my new best friend. Below is my lovely leg brace. I actually had two strangers today make a reference to the "Bionic Woman", so I am chanelling Jamie Sommers. "Gentleman, we CAN rebuild her.......we have the technology..."

I have a love-hate relationship with this brace. I hate how heavy it feels and the fact that it only fits OVER my clothes. But I love it because it gives me the security to walk around and not to have to rely on crutches.



The picture below shows the swelling stage. It is my nemesis. When it swells-no bending.....when you bend it a lot.....it swells. You get the picture. And the level of muscle atrophy is still pretty scary. I have one bird leg. While receiving an ice treatment in PT the other day, Ryan was wrapping the cold sleeve around my knee and he said, "Wow. You know...this doesn't usually fit all the way around anyones leg!" errrr....thanks?

And here I am at three weeks.....this is as far as the leg will flex. And that is as far as she goes.It is right about here that the knee feels as if it will explode right out of the inside of the knee. And.....ouch. But that is about twice as far as 2 weeks prior, so........progress.This by far, the hardest thing I have ever done. This is a horrible, slow-healing injury with very little satisfaction for all the pain and hard work. But I am finally wrapping my brain around the long haul ahead. I am finally seeing it as a goal, all by itself. And I have been busy rearanging
Jackson and Savannahs school curricula so that they can continue with school without interruption during my surgery/and initial recovery phase.

I went to PT today, and I was excited to see that the 70 degrees that I could bend my leg, 2 weeks ago, had turned into 110 degrees today. So, I guess my hard work is paying off!!!!

Nice ride, right?

Cheers!

melissa

The final verdict from the doc

Well, today was my visit with the orthopaedic doc. to find out the official diagnosis after reading the MRI. I don't like to do things poorly. And not wanting to be inconsistent, I have injured my knee painstakingly thoroughly.

Officially, I have a Grade 3 tear of the MCL which require 4-6 weeks of pre-hab Physical therapy to heal, as well as to build the quad muscle. A completely torn ACL, which will require reconstructive surgery at any time after the MCL has healed. Re hab will begin immediately after surgery with walking w/ brace at about 2 weeks, jogging in a straight line at about 3 months and maximum performance at about 6 months. A sprained LCL, that will likely heal on its own.

So basicly, the only thing holding my knee together right now, is my knee brace. It seems that the knee brace, myself, and my new physical therapist, Ryan, that I will meet on Monday, will be almost inseperable for the most of 2011.

I haven't really been able to fully comprehend it all yet. I don't want to do it. But I know I have to do it. I know people have much, much, MUCH more serious injuries than this. I know that God is with me, and He is my strength. I know that I really wish that Race were home. I have a million thoughts going through my head right now. I have to rearrange everything. School, the kids activities, our activities here at home. It all has to be re-worked, so that we can manage all of this for the next6-7 months. I know it can be done...........I'm just still sorting it all out.

But I will tell you the worst of it all. The worst thing is the absolute vulnerability that I feel. I have been living this life without my husband for long periods of time, ever since the kids were little. I have always felt that I could handle, in one way or another, most anything that would come along. For the first time, I really don't feel that way. I mean right now, uneven ground is kicking my butt!

Ah! But I will get it sorted out. And I know in my heart of hearts that God has something for me. Something to show me...Something to work out in me......a blessing to come by relying on His grace. I know this. And I will wrestle with it a bit, and then get on with it. Because as I was reminded this morning, "Amazing Love! How can it be? That you, my King would die for me?"

THAT is the source of my strength.

Cheers!

melissa

Progress.......I think. day 10 post injury

This injury is a test in patience, for sure. If you have been reading here very long, you will know that this is not my best quality. Still waiting to go back to the doc, for the final "here's how bad it is", but I thought i'd give you a quick update.

It seems this is one of those injuries that gets better, faster, when you leave it the heck alone! Seriously, it really seemed to take a huge turn for the better when I STOPPED trying to get around and just sat down, propped up my foot and stuck to the ice regimen.

The emotional ups and downs have been rather monumental, but I am slowly coming to grips with not only the injury but with the fact that the human body is an amazing creation, and it WANTS to heal itself and I need to allow it to do that.

But I really miss Race.

The progress is small, but noteworthy:

*The swelling has gone down! There is still a bit right in the joint, but it looks SO. Much. Better.(I know......I should moisturize properly. But...I've been busy and I wasn't thinking about the photo shoot.)

* There isn't much pain as long as I keep the brace on to keep the knee stable. (Yeah, I have to sleep in that monstrosity) But...........

*I can stand!!


*I can walk!!!! It's a MIRACLE!

(Please, pay no attention to that basket of scarves and the leftover Sundance box. I'm walkin man! I'm walkin!)

Only with the brace on and not for very far, before I really start feeling it, and I look like Tron, but still....no more crutches!


So now, we just wait for the doctor. I have a list a mile long of pesky questions about weights and yoga and do's and don'ts etc, etc.
I feel bad about only posting pictures of my knee. So here's another picture, drawn at random, for your viewing pleasure:
It's Jackson doing yard work. I like it. (But don't tell my mom that we let him mow grass without shoes on.He has been forwarned with bloody stump stories) Feel free to talk amongst yourselves about this.

Ok, back to the knee........

The only really negative thing is the astounding rate of muscle atrophy. All that beautiful, hard earned muscle......just.....melting away like the snow in Texas. That part is actually a little scary, and I can't wait to be able to do something about it! I actually had a dream (nightmare?) about waking up with a little shrivelled-up Gollum leg! ACK!! So for now, I am staying on a high protein/low carb diet and just resting.........and waiting.

As far as handling the daily stuff, the kids have been wonderful about just stepping up and doing what needs to be done. They have equally shared the load of the cooking and the cleaning, doing the laundry and taking care of the animals. I mean really, what have I been doing all this time? I should have done this ages ago, right?
Today, after lessons, I was able to take them to the climbing gym and just wait in the car with my leg propped up. (The steps and uneven terrain are not good right now!) After that, the kids went into the grocery store, armed with THE LIST, and got everything. (I ever-so-briefly contemplated going in and riding one of those little motor carts, but I knew I would laugh too hard and then no one would believe I was injured, so I put it out of my mind.) They came home, brought it in, put it away, and then Savannah made Beef Stroganoff for everyone and then asked, "Mom, would you like a glass of wine with that?" Good, good girl, that one.

Daily life isn't perfect by any means, but it feels good to know that we CAN get it done. And that we can get it done with a pretty good attitude toward one another and without being hounded. That feels great! Heck, if Race were home, this might be a piece of cake!



Cheers!
Melissa

P.S.- Because a couple of people asked,the toenails were painted by moi' using the stretch and dab method. Because nobody ever feels better any faster when they feel like they look gross. :-) Gotta go get that moisturizer.