It doesn't take much to send me into a downward spiral these days. I find myself fading fast when faced with what are actually small obstacles. I am really, REALLY tired of being without Race. I miss him so much. This is where it gets hard. I really can't give in right now. If anything, I need to bolster myself.
I am tired. But when he comes home, he will be exhausted in a way that I can't even imagine.
So, it is actually when he comes HOME that I really need strength, because that's where my job actually kicks into high gear.It's not the time for a mental break.
A man who spends 6 months out of every year blending into a strange and hostile environment can easily feel like a stranger in his own home. The place that he has been holding onto in that corner of his mind. The place that he has been longing to finally collaps into warm comfort can seem like another job if everyone is pulling him in different directions. Another set of missions to complete, with people to move and logistics to plan out. It can be too much.
So I am learning.
I am learning that the end of these long trips is really where I need strength. Where I need to learn to shove down my own wants and focus only on Race's. It's a time to really get close to God. To be able to see my husband as God sees him. It certainly doesn't come naturally. As soon as I see him, I want to BLAST him with all the things that have gone on around here while he's been gone....the gossip, the rewards, the fights, the achievments. For cryin' out loud, I've been storing EVERYTHING for the past 3 months!!! I want to make up for lost time. But as any good military wife will tell you......it just doesn't work that way. I mean...you can DO it that way.......but it doesn't WORK that way.
So I am trying to hang in there. To get STRONGER toward the end, not weaker. To anticipate just sort of soaking it all in and putting all of Race's needs first. Instead of selfishly looking forward to being some sort of crazy, bursting fountain.
You know, this probably doesn't translate very well at all. And it IS hard to explain. But those who have been there know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. So, if you pray, and if you think about it, keep me in your prayers. I still have a ways to go and I am seeing the signs of weariness. Thanks so much.
G'night,
Melissa
6 comments:
You are ALWAYS in our prayers. Hang in there! God is right there for you. He'll see you through, just like He always does.
Love, Mom
As someone once told me, just the other day, "just do the next thing" and pray of course :) We'll be praying for you all!
Actually, it did translate very well, and as usual, when you talk about this, it is a wonderful lesson for me. My Man is only gone for a week or two at the very most, but I have already noticed this. Dumping on him the minute he gets home is so selfish, and doesn't work. Making it about him, having the dishes done and fresh sheets on the bed, and then not expecting him to notice either of those things or anything else, for that matter, works so much better.
So thanks for the reminder- now how do you get the kids to see that?!?! I am still working on "being" it even though my brain gets it, and I am in my 40's. It is very hard for the kids, who are not used to their dad being gone at all.
And Melissa, just so you know, you are my hero. You handler this so very well, and are really a great example for all of us.
How much longer do you have till he is home again?
LB
I think the selfish thing is for him to expect you NOT to burst at the seams. You are doing it all yourself, unlike most wives and mothers who have some help. It is very mysoginistic for anyone to expect you to keep it all together while your husband is out doing the work of a madman. Give yourself a break. You seem like a nice person and it seems like everything you do, from keeping the house and kids together to keeping up yourself, is for this man who is away from you much of the time. If you are equals, then he should be able to deal with whatever you need him for when he is at home. Why do you think you're "dumping?" It's not just about him. You are an integral part of your family and you deserve a break.
Oh, anon...I am sorry that my writing did not articulate what I intended it to.Thanks for your kind words toward me. However, I need to clear up a few things that I didn't make clear before.
Race would NEVER expect me to hold it all in.In fact it is all quite the opposite. That's the only way that this whole thing works. That IS love, isn't it? Putting someone elses needs above your own? Not "giving" all the while expecting a return and then getting angry if it doesn't meet your expectations.
I TRY to put Race's needs above my own. He puts my needs above his. It's a beautiful thing. That's love and it makes a very strong marriage. I am sorry if I didn't articulate that well before. I will assume that it was just a poor choice of words when you said "doing the work of a madman". More appropriately his work deals deal with madmen.
Thanks for your comment.
Mom, Thanks so much for your kind words and prayers. They mean so much!
Em, LOL! Yes I laughed and told myself that I needed to go back and read what I wrote to you!
LB- Thank-you so much. That is very sweet of you to say. Glad to know I'm keeping up the front! LOL!
Unfortunately we don't get exact dates in this work. GAH! But hopefully soon!!
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